Horns from her Heart

I have a new friend on Facebook and this is what he wrote;

"Her eyes tell a story so innocent and devilish that I can not look away

She walks the line between a devil and an angel with such grace

Smile so bright and yet horns growing out of her heart

She was once loved, discarded and then torn and ripped apart,

but still hope springs eternal and she looks in my direction

I smile over but know I have skeletons that I don’t want to mention."

~Luke Chouinard

Some Sort of Hybrid

He said, "You are not real are you... your some sort of hybrid...a women who has the hope of a girl and has had the heart break of a lover... and the courage of a fighter. You know people like you are not suppose to even exists...Does the world know how scared of failure you are?"

My response to that was, "Failure is not an option, though welcome to my blog, you have just made it in." 

Advice to Me

Painted live on stickam with much emotion. I went wild with this, all about expressing what I was feeling. Done on 3x3' birch panel with acrylic paint. ~A.Delight

Tonight someone on my "Perfect Man" list 

told me what they thought about me. I cant say as though I agree with it all...though most of it is right on, but I do know that we dont always see our selfs the way others do. With that being said, I take it all into consideration in order to grow. 

"So i think, that you think, you are crazy.. but i know there is a good person behind it all that is very caring... i think that you were really hurt from your first true relationship, but it has gotten you a lot stronger.. i think that you like to stand out and strive to be like others aren't, to be unique.. i know you're a very caring mother and would do anything for your daughter... you say that you don't want a relationship but it makes you stronger being alone isolating yourself from letting a lot of feelings that are built up inside of you out.. you make your life simple by doing this and this protects you from getting hurt because you are in complete control of everything.. it's easier not to take chances of getting hurt than to get into something that could possibly be bad.. 

You're an over achiever and strive on that. You stive on being great, and if things aren't to your expecation then you try harder to succeed. being out of a relationship with only your work and daughter makes it easy because those are two true things that you love, and don't have any outside distractions. i think that you are very happy with your life at this point in time but spend some nights thinking about things that you that you don't let happen, or could have let happen. you're very complicated in nature and that makes it hard for yourself to understand all of your thoughts that pass through your mind each day. 

I don't think that you are 100% happy but you let yourself be that for the time being. i feel you will realize that at some point and have to make big changes to move your life in a different direction, even if it isn't a big one the first time it happens. i think that you do get lonely at times even though you say you don't want a relationship. friends and family are very comforting but that doesn't always satisfy all of your thoughts, concerns, and the unjustifyable thoughts that you have every day..

i just see yourself more the less isolating yourself from so many possibilies that come your way b/c, not to be mean, you are taking the easy way out and are comfortable at the moment with your life."

So I replied to him, "What if I told you I was in love with a man?"

But I had to let him go.

Move Along

Im so annoyed

Over done

Played over and over

Im over it

Im over all of you

Im not interested in how you screw

Leave me alone to create and grow

Im working on me, not for your benefit 

Ive heard it all 

Tired of the same old stories over and over

Age is just a number 

but as those numbers climb, so do I 

Higher and higher

Above the bullshit

Are you fucking kidding me;

"What are you wearing?" you ask me.

Im wearing exactly what I want, if I wasnt I would change.

"Do you want it?" you said

What ever I want, I get myself.

"Do you want to get naked?"

No, its fucking cold in here, I have a mortgage, not a dorm room and heating fuel is expensive.

"When was the last time you had sex?"

First of all, thats none of your business and really what I want to know, are you asking, "When was the last time I had good sex, or when was the last time sex meant something to me?"

Look, I am on a quest to better myself emotionally, spiritually and artistically.  And through that process continue to be the wonderful mother I have been since    

2-20-04.  I just dont see how some random guy fits into that equation. You want my attention, keep it in your pants and say something intelligent. Raise the bar with who you are as a person. 

What do you give of yourself to this world? If you dont know the answer to that, how do you think you have something to offer me??? 

Creative Seclusion

I thank God for my daughter. Not only do I love her more than life its self, but she keeps me grounded and on a schedule of sanity. If it wasnt for her, I would dive deep into my paint and get lost. 

I would loose track of time and the day of the week. I would be a full time artist and live off of my commissions working per diem here and there to pay the rent, ya I wouldnt have a home. Just a loft apartment with my easels and a twin size mattress on the floor, living with the bare essentials. A simple life. No schedule, just my paint, canvas and commission deadlines.

 My number one goal is to see that she has the best childhood possible given the dysfunctional challenges we have been dealt. Our home is filled with music, art, laughter and most of all, love. When she is gone living her own dream, my world will seem empty, and I am sure to get lost in the paint.  

Prolific

I have a ton of ideas flowing through my head. I think Im going to explode and paint will come out.

Trust Love

My greatest inspiration is Love

But, I wonder if I will ever fall again 

I feel like Im too far gone to ever look back. 

The Ghost of Christmas Past

Today I saw the ghost of a stranger that I use to know 

Hes hollow and and shows no trace of the past

His presence makes me inhale life 

and reinforces that his absence has set me free

Goal

  

A goal is a dream with a deadline.

Looking

 Mom and I went out to eat and were talking about finding the perfect man. She said, "Its fun, like looking for treasure." I said, "Its like looking for a unicorn, a waist of time because they dont exist."

Give

I gave this painting away today that made the person cry and say they were speechless at the same time. "You are a gifted woman" they said. I told them, "this is why I do what I do" 

Have you ever given of yourself and asked for nothing in return??? If the answer is no, I dare you to try it. Its a beautiful thing!

Reflections

Motherhood made me less perfect in the mirror, but more perfect inside. ~A.Delight

Create

"When you make music or write or create, it’s really your job to have mind-blowing, irresponsible, condomless sex with whatever idea it is you’re writing about at the time." ~Lady GaGa

T. KNIBBS

The music inspired the edit on this one 100%. I love this style and Im looking to do more like this as I explore the control of the can and caps. The brush has become boring to me and Im ready to grow. Screw the fine art world of oil painting. 

I want to make real art; loose, free and fun!

Original audio, "Damn I Missed You (Intro)" produced by smalltown, CL used with permission of the lyrical artist, T. KNIBBS

http://www.myspace.com/tknibbs

Love, Kristin

Amanda, 

you are one of the most free spirited, giving people that I have ever met. Years ago when we met riding down the mountain I never thought that you would have sucha huge impact on my life. 

I didnt know why you were brought into my life when you were... but now I know.

 I look to you for inspiration, as you have become somewhat of a muse for me in finding my own "free spirit" in this life. I have no artistic abllities like you, have no child to hold, and lack the network of people that you have... so yes...I do feel ALONE in this world, but because of you and your strive to be exactly who you are this makes me want to be a more "free-er spriit" on this earth and to strive to be who i'm supposed to be in this life! 

So...To you.. Cheers and thank you for all that you have taught me! Through all of the ups and downs you have always remained true to who you are, and I inspire to be as true to myself as you are to you! I am blessed to have made it into your life, your heart, and to have a sweet piece of me on a canvas that you brushed! 

From me to you,

 "THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU!"

Excuse Me Sir.

Some men are so stupid. If they arent challenging my status on facebook, they are sending me one liners in my inbox to "win" me. Here is what I got tonight,

"You are cute"

I responded with,

"I would rather be original, hard working and a good person. I am all of that and more."

He wrote back,

"text me (along with his number)"

I then sent,

"Why?"

As Ladessa said tonight about a man,

"u came only because u saw everything i already am!"

Why do some men get so butt hurt over the fact that I am a strong beautiful independent woman that doesnt "need" a lame ass man in my life!?! While others want to be the superhero that wants to rescue me from being alone.

I posted Kellys Maybe lyrics earlier and they come to mind again,

"I don't want to be tough

And I don't want to be proud

I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found

I'm not lost"

To the assholes that try to prove me wrong and tell me that I am hurt and need a man in my life to be happy; I am Amanda Delight and I am becoming much greater than the idealistic version of who you think I am. If that makes you uncomfortable or hurts your manhood, then go take it out on some crazy co-dependent that will allow you to control them like a puppet, let you suck the life and identity out of them while serving you your dinner on a plate while you watch tv, thats not me.

To the lame one liners, I have and will continue to work hard for all that I am and all that I have, what makes you think that you are worthy of that?

Oh and to the men that dont fit into either group, thank you. You are a blessing to society.

Brick walls

"To make it into my life is hard. To make it into my heart is impossible. To make it onto my canvas is a blessing."~Amanda Delight

So after I went public with this statement, I had a divorced man tell me,  

"if youve already come to the conclusion that its impossible to make it into your heart, your going to be a very lonely person...i think if we were meant to be alone, then the joys we share when we are with a special someone just wouldnt be as enjoyable. AND if youve never felt that joy, then i feel sorry for you."

I answered him with, 

"Is it possible to experience the emotion of loneliness when I enjoy being alone? With a revolving door of patients all day, being a single parent and having a few thousand in my social networks, being alone is rare for me. But when I am alone, I then have time for my canvas. Im confused as to what that has to do with my heart. My heart is not empty, many people have their share of it. Ive been married and have a child, I feel that JOY everyday. Why do I have to prove that to you?"

After going back and forth on this topic, my fellow artist, Ladessa Sullivan aka CandyAcidReign writes, 

"Amanda is not ALONE. That's the point. I'd venture to say she has more than anyone could provide. She is fulfilled in her life, and full of love & spirit, and she has loved one's. Who's to say that's not enough when it's more than enough, and more than most people have?! Would you suggestbringing just anyone into her inner circle, just to say she has a man... only for that person to leech onto her and spread like a cancer killing off the joy she has created in her world?! Everyone knows what they have room for in their life at the moment, and I'm pretty sure that the right people are already in her heart in spirit, even before she meets them... and that's the way it should be."

After much thought, Ive concluded:

1. That guy is an ass.

2. Ladessa is right on point and truly understands me as a woman and as an artist.

3. Men are forcing me into becoming more and more asexual everyday. Asexuality is distinct from celibacy, which is the deliberate abstention from sexual activity. Some asexuals do have sex...

4. To make it into my life is hard. To make it into my heart is impossible. To make it onto my canvas is a blessing.

 

Irvine

"Are you there? 

Are you watching me? 

As I lie here on this floor 

They say you feel what I do"

The Graverobber

"So why care for these petty obsessions? Your desire heart still beats with common blood. And what if you could have genetic perfection? Would you change who you are, if you could? Cause it's quick. It's clean. And it's pure."

Confined

 I dont let people in 

because they suck the life out of me. 

Know my façade at the end of a rope. ~A.Delight

Magnesium Sulfate

Im royalty 

and she's the servant

He's broke 

and I own it.

~A.Delight

Excuse Me Miss

I think of Jay Z often...mainly cause I'm so into Beyonce whom is the "complement to his swag"

I think of their relationship.

I want that.

They both have their own success's and individuality but when they collaborate, they make greatness.

My Cherries

The cherries to me are like a fine box of chocolates... divine, mouth watering and endorphin releasing, like emulating the comedown from an orgasm aka my character.

To My Mom

I love you. 

Live life with no regrets and know that everything happens for a reason.  Because of this I am strong, independent and would not change a thing.  I once wrote, 

"I am becoming much greater than the idealistic version of whom you think I am. 

I am a woman that grew up being broken down, only to evolve into a person that has more strength and determination than any man you will meet. A man could never give me what I need, because those are things that only I can obtain on my own.

 I bare the name that was given to me at my birth not of my father or my ex lover, but a name that has been passed down from woman to woman. I am Amanda Delight and I am walking away from love and running with my dreams...and ladies, you can do it too!"

Mom, I know that if you could go back in time, you would do things differently...but I wouldnt want you to.  My past has made me who I am to help build my future.  Whether we can control that or not, thats what destiny is.  

You always were my life line, even though you where half way around the world at times.  And all of these years later and only 12 miles away, you still are.  I honestly dont know what I would do without you. I thank God for you and I am proud to have you as my mother. 

Single?

Tonight I was asked, "Why is it you are single, because of the pics I have seen you are definitely beautiful and shouldnt be"

This is a question I have been asked time and time again. And I have to admit...its a question I have asked others in the past. So here is my response;

I guess the best way I can answer that is, " I choose to be" I like being single. I enjoy the spice of life and the freedom that comes with being single. Relationships are to confined and defined for me. I love meeting new people and exploring my sexual side artistically. I have found in the past that men dont like their girlfriends getting naked in front of a camera or talking to others online. I do these things to promote my self as an artist, to express myself and to grow. So this way, I am free to be me. Not to mention I havent found "the one" (though Im not looking) and until I do, ima keep on, keeping on.